


I can’t change your thoughts, I can’t change your fears

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Friendship/Love, Insomnia, M/M, Mentions of Anxiety, Not Beta Read, Pre-Relationship, Unresolved Romantic Tension, give it a chance ppl it gets real cute at the end, sleeping problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-17 20:30:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16981293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Javi mumbled something, quietly and almost pleadingly, his head trashing from side to side. Yuzuru hesitated for a moment and then slowly made his way to Javi's bed, sitting on the edge.„Here you go.” he whispered, carefully wrapping the blanket around Javi „Try to get some rest, okay?” he added, not really knowing why. Suddenly he was feeling really weird, bizzare even, looking at Javi from so close in the still darkness of the room, and it almost felt as if he was seeing him for the very first time.





	I can’t change your thoughts, I can’t change your fears

**Author's Note:**

> Javi: *says in an interview that he talks in his sleep and doesn't sleep all that well"  
> me: fic idea!  
> This is a hot mess, but pls remember it's all fiction!  
> Also English is not my first language so I apologize if my grammar is a bit weird sometimes.  
> Title from 'Forest fires' by Axel Flovent  
> I hope you enjoy!  
> (Also, stuff in italics means flashbacks!)

 

Ice shows were fun. It felt like the only time of the year when Yuzuru could relax a litte between seasons, and skate without feeling an overwhelming pressure and weight of expectations. It was nice, to just skate around, had fun with other skaters and have these little bits of life that every other twenty- year- old had.

Yuzuru was in a good mood. He came to terms with his sliver from worlds and overall, life seemed okay. He was already thinking about the upcoming season, about the next olympics, even, but during these summer weeks everything seemed a little bit distant and a little bit easier.

So when he got the information that he would have to share a room with someone, Yuzuru didn't even mind. He wasn't really used to it that much, as he was getting a single room for the past few years, but he decided to be cool with it.

Somehow his roommate ended up to be Javi. Which was... new. And kind of exciting. They had had shared a room two or three times way in the past, and Yuzuru was just a tiny bit unsure how it was going to be. Javi was so much sometimes, even during practices, and Yuzuru was a bit afraid if it wouldn't be too much. Yuzuru had his own small ceremonies and all, and he wasn't sure if putting him and Javi in one room was such a great idea now.

But the moment the got into the room Javi dropped his bag and threw himself on the bed.

„Wake me up for dinner, okay?” he mumbled and a second later he started breathing regularly, clearly asleep.

Yuzuru smiled to himself, suddenly hit by a surprizing memory from all those years back.

 

 

„ _Can take that one?” Yuzuru asked slowly, pointing a bed standing closer to the window and Javi smiled kindly at him._

„ _Sure.” he nodded and then flopped face down on the other bed._

_Yuzuru smiled awkwardly and went to his side of the room when he started unpacking things he would need. He wasn't sure what to think about sharing a room with Javi, just like he still wasn't sure what to think about Javi in general. Yuzuru decided he still had time to figure him out and he chose to focus on the upcoming competition. Finlandia Trophy. Yuzuru nodded to his own thoughts, but was startled when he heard a quiet snoring behind him._

_Hesitantly, he made his way to Javi and after a minute of an internal debate he gently shook Javi's shoulder._

„ _Huh?” Javi looked at him with big, sleepy eyes, and Yuzuru shrugged akwardly._

„ _No sleep now. Bad.” he explained, cringing internally when his tongue didn't want to cooperate with his brain._

_Javier stared at him, blinking, and then smiled blindingly._

„ _Right. Thanks, Yuzu.”_

_Yuzuru smiled politely and went back to his suitcase._

 

In the end, Yuzuru didn't wake him up. He wanted to, but when he looked at Javi closely he saw deep shadows under his eyes and he just couldn't bring himself to do that. He would just bring him something.

„Where did you lose the Spanish one?” Alex asked and Yuzuru shrugged.

„He's asleep, like always.” he said, a bit jokingly, but Alex's face turned serious for the briefest of moments.

„Good.” he said „By the way, you might need some earplugs.”

„He snores?”

„Talks.” Alex smiled and then waved to someone behind Yuzuru's back „I'll be back in a second.” he said and left Yuzuru with yet another sudden memory.

 

 

_Javi wasn't half as problematic roommate as Yuzuru had been dreading. He wasn't coming back to their room late at night, wasn't occupying bathroom for hours and always asked before calling home to check if Yuzuru wouldn't be bothered by that._

_Javi was confusing. Or maybe he wasn't at all and it was just a clash of Yuzuru's expectations and reality that was making Yuzuru a bit puzzled. Because Javi didn't suppose to smile so bright and laugh so loud, and be so much different than Yuzuru had expected._

_But to be honest, Yuzuru was kind of glad that he was wrong about him._

_The rooming experience went without a hitch, almost._

_The night before the free Yuzuru woke up abruptly, the room around him dark and quiet. He didn't know what was going on, but then he realized that it was because Javi was awake, sitting on his bed and breathing shallowly and rapidly. Yuzuru's dizzy mind whispered that maybe Javi had asthma too, but it didn't seem like it._

_Maybe it was just a bad dream?_

_Yuzuru wondered if he should say something, but as he tried to recall right words to ask if he was okay, Javi scrambled out of the bed and went to the bathroom._

_Yuzuru closed his eyes and a second later he was asleep._

 

Yuzuru slept like dead during the first night and it was actually Javi who woke up first.

„I fall asleep early, I wake up early.” he said cheerfully, answering Yuzuru's questioning gaze.

„Then why are you late for practice so much.” he muttered and Javi stared at him for a moment, and Yuzuru felt slightly uneasy, as if he just said something wrong.

„Hurry up, we're gonna be late for breakfast.” was all Javi said.

 

 

The following night Yuzuru got an idea what Alex had been talking about.

He woke up suddenly and for a moment he thought it was because of some kind of a dream he couldn't remember now. But a minute later he realized that the reason was lying on the other bed.

Javi was muttering something lowly, his voice breathy and quiet, his limbs moving around, and it took Yuzuru a moment to realize that he was still sleeping.

„Javi?” he asked quietly, his eyes trying to see in the darkness „You okay?”

No answer, only a few Spanish, slurred words.

„Javi?” Yuzuru asked, a bit louder, and Javi gasped, sitting up abruptly.

„Shit.” he whispered shakily rubbing his face „Did I wake you up?”

„Are you okay?” Yuzuru asked, ignoring the question, and Javier sighed.

„I'm fine.” he said tiredly, fumbling out of the bed „Go back to sleep, okay?”

Yuzuru watched as Javi quietly went out on the balcony, his brow furrowed.

He fell asleep before he came back.

 

Another city, another room, the same situation. And to be honest, Yuzuru was getting concerned. Was it always like that or maybe Javi was sick? He tried to touch the topic, but Javi brushed him off with some jokes, so Yuzuru knew he had to search for answers somewhere else.

„Hey Alex?” he asked during a practice, when most of skaters was shamelessly goofing around „You share a room with Javi often?”

„During shows, yeah.” Alex nodded and then looked at him searchingly „Why?”

„He, umm-” Yuzuru stammered, not really knowing what to say, but then Alex sighed deeply.

„Let me guess, he still can't sleep?”

„Yes.” Yuzuru nodded „It's always like that?”

„I mean, I don't know.” Alex said, shaking his head „Before olympics he would just have some troubles with falling asleep sometimes, nothing really that bad. But last summer, when we were on the tour-” Alex winced „It got worse. He still talks?”

„Yes. And it sounds-” Yuzuru stopped, looking for the right word, and Alex smiled at him softly.

„Sad?”

„Yeah.” Yuzuru said, because that was his exact impression „How can I help?”

„I wish I knew.” Alex sighed „Last summer we spent so much time on googling what to do with that, but... yeah. It's not like he can't sleep, it's more like it's so shallow he doesn't get enough rest, you know?” he patted Yuzuru's shoulder „Just make sure he wakes up in the morning.”

„Sure.” Yuzuru said absently, turning to look at Javi who was now joking around with Maxim, and he felt some weird click behind his ribs.

For years it had been obvious for him that Javi would be always late because he could sleep for twelve hours, but now he though that he might have been wrong all along.

He had some media responsibilities later that day so when he came back to their room it was pretty late and Javi was already sleeping, pretty peacefully so far. Yuzuru very quietly gathered his stuff and went to the shower, trying not to make too much noise.

And then, just when he flopped on his bed, Javi kicked his blanket off, letting out a long, deep sigh.

Yuzuru froze.

Javi mumbled something, quietly and almost pleadingly, his head trashing from side to side. Yuzuru hesitated for a moment and then slowly made his way to Javi's bed, sitting on the edge.

„Here you go.” he whispered, carefully wrapping the blanket around Javi „Try to get some rest, okay?” he added, not really knowing why. Suddenly he was feeling really weird, bizzare even, looking at Javi from so close in the still darkness of the room, and it almost felt as if he was seeing him for the very first time.

It hit him then, that Javi really looked tired, and his heart clenched painfully. He was a world champion, he had had a great season, he shouldn't have troubles sleeping.

Javi frowned, as if he was having a bad dream, and Yuzuru instinctively brought his hand to his cheek in a sudden, reassuring gesture.

„It's all fine.” he said, and in that exact moment Javi inhaled sharply and opened his eyes.

His eyes were dark and blurry, and Yuzuru was strangely caught up in his gaze. Javi blinked slowly, like he couldn't really see him. Yuzuru didn't dare to move a muscle, feeling strangely vulnerable, his heart speeding up just a little bit.

Javi stared at him for a moment and then suddenly he put his hand on the back of Yuzuru's neck, pulling him down, and Yuzuru almost stopped breathing.

His forehead was resting against Javi's, their noses brushing, a warm breath mere milimetres from his lips. It felt almost surreal, like a dream, and Yuzuru's mind was absolutely blank. He swallowed hard, not daring to move. He wanted to say something, anything, but he was scared that any move could have some unexpected, thrilling consequences.

Touch wasn't anything unusal for them, but it felt so much different, heavier, intense.

Yuzuru was completely lost, and he kept his eyes closed all the time, too scared to look into Javi's from so close.

And then, just like that, Javi exhaled softly against his mouth and his hand slipped off Yuzuru's neck, his breathing turning deep and regular. Yuzuru waited for a moment, his shoulders shaking, before he draw back slowly. Javi was sleeping peacefully now, his head turned to the side, and Yuzuru took a deep breath. Feeling a little bit shaky, he got into his bed and lay down, closing his eyes tightly and hoping for sleep to come quickly and clear his mind.

He didn't fall asleep before three am.

 

* * *

 

Javi stepped into the bus and immediately spotted Yuzuru already sitting in the back, and he smiled to himself. It had been pretty nice so far, that whole room sharing thing. It was less unproblematic than he had feared; he just hoped that his slight sleeping problems weren't bothering Yuzuru too much.

He was dealing with that for years now; it all had started all the way back in Russia, with his creeping anxiety sitting in the back of his head. Then Sochi had only made it worse, and he really didn't have a full night sleep since then. He knew he tended to talk and toss around, his sleep shallow and not really letting his body rest properly. He was used to that by now, but somehow last night had been pretty good, even though he had some really weird dreams.

„Hey.” he smiled at Yuzuru, taking the seat next to him „What's up?”

Yuzuru barely glanced at him before he turned his face away, closing his eyes.

„I'm just tired.” he mumbled and Javi felt a sting of guilt.

„Wait, did I wake you up or something?”

At that Yuzuru's eyes snapped open and he almost looked panicked.

„No, no!” he said quickly „I was just, ugh... thinking. A lot.”

„Okay.” Javi chuckled, wrapping his arm around Yuzuru's shoulders and pulling him closer „Come one, I can be your pillow.”

Yuzuru relaxed after a few minutes and sighed with content, and Javi smiled to himself.

„Javi-” Yuzuru mumbled when the engine started rumbling „- what did you dream about last night?”

Javi froze for a moment, because there was no way he could just tell him about that weird dream he had had.

„So, it was pretty intense.” he started „There were these two guys fighting crime with hockey sticks.”

Yuzuru snorted sleepily, nuzzling a little bit closer, and Javi felt that his duty was to continue.

„Yep, that was crazy. There were flying monkeys and snakes on roller skates, but they kicked their asses.”

„These snakes are scary.” Yuzuru mumbled and suddenly Javi was overwhelemed by a sudden affection.

„They are.” he said softly, fighting an urge to touch Yuzuru's cheek „How does it end?” he whispered, not really expecting an answer-

„It's a love story.”

Javier's heart actually skipped a beat.

„What?” he asked, just a bit shakily, but Yuzuru was already asleep.

Javier looked at him, at his young face, so calm and relaxed, and something clicked deep in his chest.

„Maybe it is.” he murmured, closing his eyes and letting himself drift away to sleep too.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Like it? Hate it? Let me know in the comments and thank you for reading!  
> (Also I stole the last scene from ncis la sorry not sorry)


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